New Page 1

In search of the Belonging Tree

Some can recall events and people from their early childhood with amazing clarity. "I remember when I was four...........Do you? Really? Hell I wish I could do that it. My earliest memory starts somewhere; I was little and lived with someone. No idea who nor why but I do remember a bed situated in a closed in veranda and that's where I slept. I remember lead light windows and the tracks jack frost left after a brisk skate over my window pane. I remember an open fire place and a sense of comfort warming my hands over a wood stove. It was much later in life I found out that 'someone' was my aunt who wasn't really my aunt ; she lived with my other not Aunt who potentially could have been my stepmother but that never happened. A rather awful demeaning name stepmother; its inference oozes a sense of detachment ...... or perhaps the status never quite recovered for me after Cinderella had issues with hers.

It was fairly easy to be invisible during my early years of childhood; being an only child I was quite comfortable with my own company and sought it often hence my preference for solitude nurtured a fanciful and analytical mind. I attended primary school as any other; not much to recall here can't even remember being called by name. High School however was another matter; hellooo alien world. Here I most certainly do remember being called by name; a couple actually....a bit of nothing in particular lets move on shall we. Frizzy was my totem, I'm sure I don't need to explain the bleeding obvious here. This rather uncharitable name was bestowed upon me by a certain individual in my first year of high school when I got past the urge to punch her lights out and viewed it as an endearment it stopped being an issue. My first unconscious awakening - it's all in the point of view....then I discovered the art of ironing hair. She became the closest thing I had to a friend at that time. We didn't hang out on weekends just every now and then after school frequenting the local record bar where contraband was freely exposed and the interaction of the sexes was an amusing pass time .

By academic standards my achievements had been subtle; compared to some you could say I wasn’t the sharpest tool on the block. Chemistry and math were the measure of success , I couldn't or wouldn’t digest either one and the stuff that was of interest to me didn’t seem to be of interest but I got by without drawing too much attention. Except for the time....naaah lets not go there. My most memorable achievement ; the day I could do the draw back without coughing up my spleen. Still remember seeking out my piers running around like an excited puppy practically wetting my self to announce I had made the grade. This eager to please fit in disease was exhausting stuff I found myself acting against the realms of sensibility just to impress. Smoking was the mandatory induction into certain social classes of the higher school grounds; if one wanted to fit in that is and apparently I did; it was considered the measure of maturity and gave one an air of sophistication. As was customary one practised in the confines of the schools toilet cubicle during recess.....did I say air of sophistication? Of course sucking grey matter into perfect pink , under aged lungs was a hazardous social function and required some stealth and planning on our part to avoid detection. Having the collective brains of a worm we sat two in a cubicle flapping our hands around like an insect in frenzied flight to disperse the smoke.. Oh yeah that was a brilliant idea ..... detention was a bonding experience.

The art of expressing an opinion without the emotion was still light years away and although for most part I kept to myself and let things pass; somewhere along the way I acquired a thing called attitude, something lacking in my presentation no doubt. Self examination was also light years away so I figured it was just another way of being told it's fine to have an opinion as long as they agreed with you ...so I clammed up. By mid year ten I left the confines of the playground to the clever ones and commenced to work with a life that still didn’t add up. All my answers were off the scale; x + y = sorry no modus operandi for now. To add to my titchy demur my place of residence didn't complemented my working status . It 's stifling my growth I announced to my guardian - I wasn't free to do as I pleased was more to the point. Most of the other inhabitants who shared my address had a place to go and seemed to be leaving in droves ; internment was never meant to be long term just a place for likes of us to hang whilst our parent or parents got their shit together..... Well father must have had a few truck loads to shovel because I was the longest serving and oldest resident. Six years had past since I rocked up for this second internment. Father had by now been AWOL for about three years and I guess eventually I must have noticed his absence because it began to matter I was borrowing other lives and families. However it came to light since I hadn't been made a ward of the state it was possible to leave the confines of this institution prior to the age of consent; with conditions of course ,the only one worth remembering being I must avoid having a serious accident before I turn eighteen as they would need my fathers consent to operate - Note no mention of spare clean underwear here. I was pretty determined to charter my own course , a good sense of direction would have helped however conditions seemed reasonable to me and so I flew the coop to grow up....Alright so I got taller; school had only just begun this time I had to pay attention

There's an endless string of fancy titles and tangled phrases to explain the high, medium and lows of our existence; hardly a discrete distinction that needs to be brought to ones attention ; never the less; where I fit in this triangle of Haves, Have Nots and Never will Haves is of no consequence to me and I haven't bothered to check ; circumstances do not define me the cold light of logic is where I determined my measure. These days I pretty much see things as they really are but not all things I see do I choose to see.... that’s my prerogative. I've scored a huge dose of tenacity along with a tarring of pride. Dignity is everything, analysing everything to the grave is an obsession which can be a tad irritating ; some things just cant be fixed. I learnt the meaning behind 'throwing pearls to pigs' no offence intended its a biblical thing; one eventually gets the drift after throwing too many pearls for too long at the same pig. I'd like to think my attention span has improved over the years because history was repeating itself for a while and I hate having to do things twice. I've learnt happiness is not something I can own; it comes and goes and its meaning changed as I adjusted to change. I know what love is because I know what love isn’t. What has sustained me in life is the capacity to love but love alone is not enough to sustain me. My humanity is my weakness and I accept I have weaknesses....when it suits me. In between I've smiled a lot; held the thought she’ll be right; copped it sweet in the name of peace…..whilst seething under its cover. I've abided by the rules to conform and broken them without a second thought. Got your attention huh; well keep hanging because I’m smart enough now not to put it in writing….sort of.

My truth is enough for me and I don’t feel the need to justify or defend it that is not to say I wont defend myself; my silence is a preference. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart and only absolute when I’m no longer tormented by the memory; admittedly some issues have taken longer than others.... I have high standards of what a friend should be and my friends are of high standard so much taller than me. And that good karma everyone talks about; it exists and I'm living it now because now I know.....

it has always been all about me..

W.I.P ....Patience