Patience

Suffer the Children

Manipulation - the silent creeping.. The power of manipulation is in it's suggestion, it can without doubt be used as a destructive force, in its most revealing and abusive form its objective is to pull one down in order to build another up. Hitler amongst others knew all too well the power of suggestion and most would agree Hitlers' ability to shift blame to a specific people of creed and colour as a means to an end was a calculated move , and the madness that ensued caused a generally peaceful people to act out atrocities and abandon their fellow man in fear.

We can explain away Hitlers' reign as unparalleled madness and yet this manipulative abuse of power is quite common practise amongst the inconspicuous stable minded, and never more evident nor more ignored in its blatant use than by some estranged wives and husbands. In particular by those who hold the care of the children. The exceptionally disgruntled heart is an ugly thing to observe, in the matter of separation of a partnership. Apart from the race to take as many assets as possible to fill a leaner purse, when all else fails to instil pain and satisfy the need for revenge, the ultimate satisfaction to recompense is gained through the children by the deliberate alienation of the child from the absent parent. Some would deny this vehemently, purporting their Childs right to decide; and whilst bleating their indignation, they continue to shift blame for their unsavoury state onto the non attending parent within hearing of their children. Thus the child is subjected to a daily dose of discontentment, involving the child in the dispute, feeding the child’s anger and the anxiety of separation towards the other parent. Probable outcome, for the sake of peace the child is forced to choose its alliance , and keeps silent of any desire to see the other parent, fearing, to do so would seem to be unfaithful to the controlling parent. Gradually the gap widens. Game, Set and Match.

The game in the severing of hearts is the real tragedy to a separation, and the acts behind the mean spirited are easily achieved and go unchallenged. Outside the courts the slighted party builds its alliances with drama hungry gossip mongers and sympathises, and shamefully, other members of the family, who continue to give rise to an unhealthy act by virtue of inviting themselves to be a part of the spite. How can anyone consider this type of behaviour healthy for children to observe, what kind of character building is this to lead them into adulthood. If it isn’t our responsibility as a parent to create an atmosphere of healthy acceptance and stable emotional growth through the variables of life; then who’s responsibility is it? If there was a glimpse of concern for the child’s rights from the outset the alienation wouldn’t have been created in the first place. If concern for the Childs welfare was tantamount, no one would allow such anger to fester in a child. As a parent how could we ignore we have a duty of care to nurture their spirit? Shouldn't we for the sake of our child, create the opportunity and encourage the child to a relationship with the estranged parent regardless of personal cause and effect? Yes we should; alas we are the imperfection that exists in our perfect world. Still we shouldn't deem this as an excuse to ignore our nasty manipulative behaviour at the expense of a Childs right to feel free to love and have a relationship with the estranged parent.

The Family Law purports to be primarily concerned for the welfare of the child in the matter of separation, however it seems to me unless obvious abuse is present the definition of their measure of care is limited to financial status and easily granted as compensation to the one who holds the off spring. We allow a child to be splayed on a slab of oak dissected and auctioned off by a preconceived notion the controlling parent is sporting a stable mind. There are untold accounts of children being manipulated before and after separation, there are untold accounts of separated parents that are alienated from their children by the controlling parent, apt in the use of subtle emotional blackmail , embellishment and outright lies to achieve the result intended . We have a name for each offence, yet we don’t seriously consider it a factor in the Courts as part of cause and effect of unresolved issues in the severing of an adult relationship. If only from the outset we were more concerned to sign a pre-nuptial agreement with a clause of accountability to protect a Childs emotional growth in lieu of our estates and bank balances. Perhaps if we, who purport to be of stable mind, were made to be more accountable and mindful of the child, it would teach us how easy it is to get over ourselves. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, why can we not understand this is one of the rare tragedies in life where we actually have the opportunity to minimize the dose of pain. If one considers the act of deliberately alienating a child from its mother or father (for no other reason than to punish a faulty spouse) , is without consequences, one is sadly misinformed.

We presume when faced with disruption to our life inner growth is inevitable , yes we will bear fruit, but what manner of growth will it be and by who’s standards do we gauge such growth? Primarily our own I would think. Is it not more pertinent what is determined as growth. Is the hardening of the heart growth? An act of revenge courage?

I have at times desired to ask some who puff their chests in triumph claiming to have grown through their suffering, just how they figure they are a better person now after creating a circle of spite to salve their pain, and now in their holy state, take pleasure in its wake. And I’ve had to bite my tongue to the point of drawing blood in the desire to ask at what point in their arduous climb, where they attained this self appointed growth, did they pause to recognize the distinction between the process that leads to a healthy acceptance and the act of a furtive spiteful spirit.

It is the general opinion that a hard knock builds strength of character resulting in a better person, in my observations it is the unsettling factor that reveals it. Perhaps what is strengthened is in fact what already exists and we would be wise to take notice of what that is before we proudly claim the acquisition of growth and pass it on to our Children.